The Secret Is… Everyone Goes to Heaven!

A Sermon by The Pope of Love

Beloved children of divine nonsense and cosmic absurdity, gather ‘round!

I have a secret to tell you. A big one. A life-changing, mind-blowing, earth-shaking revelation that the powers-that-be don’t want you to know.

Are you ready?

Lean in close.

Everyone. Goes. To. Heaven.

That’s right! All of us. Every single one. Even your annoying neighbor who never returns your lawnmower. Even that guy who still calls you “champ” at 47 years old. And yes, even the person who invented those pre-packaged gas station egg sandwiches.

Heaven’s guest list is wide open.

But wait! I hear some of you murmuring, “But Pope of Love, what about Hell?”

Ah, yes. Hell. That fiery basement apartment beneath eternity’s penthouse. The eternal torture chamber. The forever BBQ pit where the damned are grilled to a perfect crisp while some smug angel turns them like rotisserie chickens.

Well, I have some news for you…

Hell is a scam.

That’s right! Hell was made up—a little something cooked up by religious middle management to keep the donations rolling in. You think those towering cathedrals and gold-plated goblets paid for themselves? No, no, my sweet summer children. They needed fear. And fear, my friends, is big business.

Imagine you’re a priest in the early days of church franchising. You’re trying to get people to invest in the faith. You could offer them heaven, sure—but that’s a long-term reward, and people are impatient. You need something immediate to keep them in line.

So, what do you do?

You introduce… Customer Loyalty Punishment.

“Donate now, or eternal suffering awaits!”
“Miss a Sunday? Welcome to the Pit of Despair!”
“Eat meat on the wrong day? We’ll see you in the fiery abyss!”

That’s a brilliant business model. If heaven is the carrot, hell is the very large, flaming stick. A genius move. Evil? Yes. But genius.

The problem is, they forgot one tiny little thing: Love.

Love does not condemn. Love does not blacklist. Love does not run an afterlife prison industrial complex.

So, let’s be real here. Do you think the great cosmic love force that created puppies, sunsets, and the pure joy of a perfectly buttered piece of toast would set up an eternal punishment system for people who just had bad Wi-Fi and missed church a few times?

Of course not!

The truth is, Heaven has a “Come As You Are” policy. No cover charge. No bouncer. No VIP list. You get in whether you’re a saint, a sinner, or just someone who still listens to Nickelback unironically.

Now, does this mean we can just do whatever we want? Should we start stealing parking spaces and taking candy from babies? No, my dear flock of lovable weirdos. We do good not out of fear, but out of love.

Because love is the point. Love is the whole game. And when you live in love, you’re already in heaven—right here, right now.

So, go forth! Love boldly. Forgive freely. And whenever someone tries to scare you with eternal damnation, just smile and say, “Nah, I’m good—The Pope of Love told me the secret.”

Amen and pass the cookies.